I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways talking to the dead helps me to value life and the surprising ways those lessons have come about. I decided to put hands to keyboard, as I often do when I'm processing and reflecting. While it's impossible to definitively say what happens when we die, I've definitely developed my own theories over time, which are influenced both by my own mediumship experiences and the growing number of accounts from past life regression practitioners and folks who have had death and near death experiences. I hope you enjoy these anecdotes about what I have observed over the years and what they've led me to believe.
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Folks don't automatically change just because they're dead
The first time I purposefully practiced mediumship was around 2008. We had a complicated and ugly situation going on in our family and a medium and tarot reader I trusted suggested that I try to reach out to my grandfather who had died four years prior. She explained to me how I could scry with a bowl of water and a candle. It was a successful attempt and I could see an upside down reflection of my grandfather pacing back and forth while I told him what was happening and pleaded with him to tell me what to do and to help in any way that he could. It was immediately apparent that 1) He didn't have a good solution and 2) He was conflicted because he cared about all parties and didn't really want to be involved. I was shocked - shooketh - that he didn't just know what to do. I mean, once we die don't we immediately have things figured out? Apparently not.
This was the first experience of many that led me to believe that we still have work to do when we die. Over the years, spirits I've connected with have explained a process of reckoning where we are able to see and have some accountability for the ways we have impacted others during our lifetime, both positively and negatively. Some individuals seem to embrace this process and readily take ownership. Others...not so much. Free will does not appear to disappear once we die.
This is often something that surprises (and can disappoint) my mediumship clients. I am frequently able to describe their loved ones personalities, speak with the same inflections, and answer questions as they would expect if the person was still living...and that isn't always what the clients want. Sometimes folks seek mediumship because they are hoping their loved ones will have experienced grand transformations after their deaths. While I firmly believe that is possible, it has been my observation that this process takes time. And time seems to be a funny thing on the other side.
When I connect with someone who has recently passed, they often come through very strongly and clearly in the form of who they were in this life. If the individual seems to be doing the work to make peace with their death and the ways they did or did not carry out their life's missions, the way they come through in mediumship sessions changes. It's not uncommon for spirits to come through as an energetic "body" that is big enough to fill a room. They don't always present in the "old form" anymore because they are connecting with the entirety of their being, which is more than the skin they wore in this life. This can be difficult for loved ones left behind because it often correlates with the sense that they can't feel the person's presence as strongly anymore. Moving on means just that - moving on from this plane to whatever lies beyond.
What this has taught me about life
One of the most important lessons I have learned from talking to the dead is the importance of honoring grief. Death is a part of being alive and, frankly, it stinks. I frequently have people reach out to me immediately after a death, desperate to reach their loved ones. While each situation is different, my advice is to wait at least a few months if you can and to not seek mediumship too frequently. If the death was untimely, the individual is making their presence known, and/or they seem to be distressed, mediumship can sometimes be helpful for everyone shortly after a death. I also ask clients to wait at least four months in between mediumship sessions. I just don't think it's healthy to do too often - for both the living and the dead.
More importantly, I believe that those who are making the transition from life to death deserve to make that journey uninterrupted. For those of us left behind, working through our grief is awful and, in my opinion, necessary. I have experienced my fair share of untimely losses and also spent around 20 years as a professional advocate for victims, survivors, and surviving family members of some of the worst violence imaginable. All of that taught me that if we don't deal with our grief, it will eventually deal with us. Processing grief can look however you need it to. Seek formal grief support. Lean on cultural traditions for honoring death, loss, and grief. Allow your community to support you and be vocal about what you need. If you don't know where to start, research grief support and death doulas in your area. You don't have to walk every step of the grieving process alone.
Here's another thing talking to the dead taught me. I believe I am here for a reason and I don't like to beat around the bush. I want to keep leveling up how I can be a better, stronger, and braver person. When I was a younger woman, my life could have gone down a much different path. One that was marked with anger, pettiness, substance abuse, and unhealthy choices in the people I was running around with. I'm grateful that I chose to focus on those who treated me with love (that includes you, mom) and to listen to the spirits who encourage me to keep expanding what it means to be my "best self."
When being brave and expanding my capacity yields positive results, I choose to take that as a sign that I'm on the right track for my soul's evolution. When I'm stuck or things are going wrong, I talk to my guides and ancestors to help me recalibrate. When I can't hear them or the messages feel muddled, I turn to my shortlist of trusted mediums, psychics, and mentors who can more objectively get the messages across.
I plan on living a long, full life and relish the troublemaking old lady I intend to become. I want to make sure I make the most of my life, in this body. After all these years talking to spirits, I believe that there are more adventures ahead after we die. I want to make sure I can live my life as well as possible, so I'll feel ready to see what else is out there.
Thanks for reading,